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I hate what I am becoming lately. I am being unreasonable and insecure. It's hard to be in a no-label-relationship because no matter how you hold on to your "YOU" that you know, somehow it changes you. In my case I am becoming insecure and doubting my self worth. It's difficult when you don't know where you stand. It's difficult when you are his least priorities and you can't complain. It's difficult when jealousy is fucking killing you but you have no right. It is difficult to be in-love with him but even more difficult not to be with him. 

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                      I love him and I will keep on choosing him no matter how much it hurts.                                

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Perhaps, It hurts lately, because I am forgetting that more than the "someone" he sleeps with, more than the "someone" who's in-love with him. I am his Emma the friend. Perhaps, things are changing lately, because I am forgetting to choose friendship more than anything else. Perhaps, I doubt my worth lately, because I have been acting someone who's in-love with him more the Emma he needs. Perhaps, I question my importance lately, because I have forgotten that to be his Emma the friend I should not be a priority. Perhaps, It's lonely lately, because I have forgotten to just love him and just be there  without expecting from him.

I love him but I don't know how to be his friend anymore. I should re-learn to be a friend first and then just love him with all the love I have.

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I know his coffee order, and the way he closes his eyes and bites his lower lip when something is "amiss" I know all his marks, freckles and scars in his skin. I know the smell of his breath in the evening,  in the afternoon and even his morning breath.

 I know how he sleeps because there were so many nights that I have watched him slept while tracing his eyes and his lips with my hand.

I know the sound of his laugh because even in a distance I would recognize his laughter and voice.

I know that I would move heaven and earth to be there for him when he needs me. I know that I love him. 

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She knows that she will have a special place in hell for loving him. She knows that her soul will be rotten in hell for choosing to stay with him. She knows that even if she does a million good things it will never ever compensate to the fact that deep down she's not a good person. She knows eventually it will cost her heart and her soul.
And I asked her, "Why?" her only replies, "I love him"

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If life is just as easy as Sunday morning. I would be sitting beside you, sipping coffee while I tell you of my day. I would tell you how I hate Starbucks nowadays because it never runs out of people over staying with their oversize frappe. I would tell you that I've been dying to buy the "Fantastic Beast and Where to Find them" book but I stopped myself because I still have a stack of books untouched in my room. I would tell you how I've found "good-affordable-gifts" for friends and loved ones. I would tell you how annoyed I was in the bank that I almost cried. I would tell you how many times I thought of you while I was out with my two girlfriends. I would tell you how much I've missed you. I would tell you how many times I've thought of sending "I love yous and I miss yous"  but life is not as easy as Sunday morning. It is like Monday. Life is complicated like Monday morning. 

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The thing about missing you is that everywhere I go something and someone always remind me of you,like the smell of a brewed coffee in the coffee shop, the barest fragrance of a cigarettes' smoke that passes me by, the guy wearing a white shirt with a fedora hat in the bookstore, the old songs that play in the restaurant and sometimes even the sound of a drizzle rain on the rooftop reminds me of you.

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I love you but it is not easy to love you There will be a moment that I will be exhausted. There will be a moment that I will be in so much pain. There will be a moment that I will bleed. I hope you won't hate me in those moments because in my heart of hearts I know that I will always love you no matter how difficult. I will always choose to stay unless you ask me to let go. 

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The sad thing about loving him so much is losing myself. I love him but in loving him I hurt myself. In loving him, I have to wonder of my worth.

In loving him, I have to be contented of being just someone who just waits.

In loving him, I have to learn not to demand.

In loving him. I have to learn not to be jealous.

In loving him, I have to learn not to be hurt.

In loving him, I forget myself.

If I am smarter I should be walking away but I guess I never learn in love.

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"I love you and I am not going anywhere for as long as you need me and even if you push me away I am still going to be there loving you silently."