...

Sometimes the hardest words to say are what is whispered in the midst of noise

like "I am sorry" or "I am melancholy"

and so I stand in the middle of my noise and make myself consume with laughter and words that seem not to make sense. 

Sometimes I say too many words. Words that are shallow, childish and stupid. I wish I could take back the words and actions characterized by idiocy that are flowing freely from me. My apology. It is a common occurrence.

While I am making no sense. I wish I am someone different perhaps someone quiet and shy, perhaps someone articulate enough so people can understand my heart, or someone who is not extreme, maybe someone who is not oblivious even to her age, someone who doesn't forget to behave to what people expect of her, someone who doesn't act like a kid when annoyed or excited, someone who is not too loud, someone who is serious who never gets too excited with just a cup of coffee or by just visiting a new coffee shop, someone who think first before uttering the words, someone who knows what is too personal to share and not to share like maybe your monthly period, someone who doesn't embarrass herself. 

I am sorry my words seem empty and void. My actions maybe like a child but there's always sincere emotion and fire that are lining with who I am. I am just sorry that I cannot be different and I am sorry that I do not feel any sincere remorse for my flaws. I may wish to be different but in the deepest corner of my heart I know that I am always happy to be just me.

so with my silly smile and loud laughter. I let go of that wish.